Once upon a time…

I was listening to my daughter, then four, recount the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.  “‘Someone’s been eating my porridge, and they ate it all up.’  ‘Oh, Baby Bear, you must be very sad.  I will make you some more.’  And she gave Baby Bear a hug.”

This is not the way I remember the story, and I perk up out of my half-listening state.  “Then they went into the living room,” she continued….“‘Someone’s been sitting in my chair, and they broke it all to pieces!’  “Oh, Baby Bear, you must be very mad,’ says Mama Bear.”

“Wait,” I say, “that’s not the way I remember the story.  Who has been telling it to you that way?”  “Laila,” my daughter replies.

Of course!  Laila, Wynnie’s godmother and founder/director of the preschool she attended, had changed the story a bit.  I asked Laila about it a few days later.

“The thing that has always bothered me about the story,” she explained, “is that they leave Baby Bear alone with his feelings.  No one notices how he feels or offers to help him.”

Silly Laila, so concerned about the feelings of a fictional bear.  I chalked it up to her quirkiness and shrugged it off.  Amusing, but not important.

But it stuck with me.  I was thinking about it today, eight years later, while listening to a program on the radio about bullying.  Adults were talking about the long-term negative impact being bullied had on their lives.  They were arguing that bullying must be taken more seriously, and that children need to be protected from it.  They are right.  Others argue, they said, that bullying is part of childhood and something children just need to go through.  This is also true.

Some people think they can protect their children from bullying by identifying and isolating the bullies.  Some think they can protect their children by making them bully-proof: if they have the right name, the right clothes, and the right attitude, they will not be bullied.  The trouble with the first approach is that bullies are children too.  They are not a virus that can be isolated and contained.

The trouble with the second approach is that the child tends to feel blamed for what is happening to them.  Bullying becomes the fault of the child who can not, or will not, conform to the bullies’ view of normal.  The trouble with both approaches is that neither offers tools or support to the bullied child.

Bullying is real and problematic and adults have an important role in curtailing it.  AND, some bullying is going to happen.  Helping kids cope with it is also an important adult role.  Here’s where the three bears come in.

Silly me, Laila was not concerned about the feelings of a fictional bear.  She was teaching the value of acknowledging feelings and offering support.  We have a tendency to dismiss the impact of what we cannot control in our lives and in the lives of our children.  The false choice is often made between intervening to fix something, and telling kids they just need to buck up and get through it.  I think because we are frustrated and overwhelmed by what we cannot control, we want to dismiss the impact.  We say things like,  “He didn’t really mean it,” or, “it happens to everyone, get over it.”  This leaves children alone with their anger, shame, or confusion.  Too often children report that they initially asked for help, but nobody took them seriously, so they quit asking.

Bullying is a serious problem that needs adult intervention, AND some bullying is inevitable, AND we can give our children the social/emotional tools they need to cope with it.  One of those tools is a support system that takes their feelings seriously.  “That must be awful.”  “You must be really mad about that.”  “You look really sad.”  “What can I do to help?”  Refill that bowl of porridge, mend the rocker, offer some salve to the bruised ego.  Life has its rough spots.  Every child will need to cope with unpleasant people and injustices.  But they don’t have to do it alone.

This is a question that came to  me via an adoption related list serve.  All geographic details and names have been changed at the author’s request.

I’m a single mom, my daughter, adopted from Columbia at 6.5 months, is now 2 years 4 mos.  She recently started asking about “daddy” – “Where is my daddy?,” I want my daddy,” etc… Isn’t she  a little young?  I didn’t think this would happen so soon!

We have no information at all on either of her birthparents.  She knows and can say that she was “born in Bogota ” and that she “lives in Albany.”  She also knows practically by heart a storybook with pictures that I made her of me going to Bogota, when we first were in each other’s arms, coming back to the bay area… so she “knows” her adoption story.

I would be grateful for any tips anyone has to offer as to how to respond to her.  So far we’ve talked about all the people in her family (including extended family), particularly her “papa” – my dad/her grandfather, who she adores.

If at all relevant, she is also talking about the baby in her tummy or in mine (or in my breasts – which comes from us observing babies nursing), and holds things up to her tummy to show that is where the baby is.

Thanks for your words of wisdom! -Joan

Dear Joan,

Yes, two is a little young.  Not to have the question but to articulate it so clearly. She is looking around and noticing that other families have daddies and wondering where hers is.  She is asking a family structure question, not about sex.  She is hip to the role women play in making babies, she can see it around her.  But the role men play will be invisible to her for quite awhile yet.  I highly recommend The Family Book by Todd Parr.   The book creates an easy lead in for a conversation like this:  ”We have two people in our family, a mommy, me, and a daughter, you.  Some families have a mommy and a daddy.  Some families have two mommies or two daddies.  Some families have lots of children.  Our family has just one mommy and one child.”   Remember that your family is great just the way it is and covey this to her when you speak about it.

Later when you she understands (or begins to question)  the biology you can say that everyone has a biological mother and a biological father. That’s how babies are made.  But not all families have mommies and daddies.  Mommies and Daddies are how children are cared for.  All families need at least one grown up to take care of the children but families come in lots of different forms. Fortunately where you live you are sure to have a wide range of models to point out.

Good luck,

Katrinca

This is a response to a question from a mother about violent themes in her young son’s play. She was particularly concerned about pretend gun play.

Dear Mama,
I am so glad you asked. Yes, this play has a very important function. Your child is learning to manage, contain and control his aggressive impulses. Everyone has aggressive impulses. We all get angry, jealous or afraid. We all have the desire, conscious or unconscious, to latch out and hurt someone. Play gives children the opportunity to explore and work through these feelings without hurting anyone. Children who act out these feeling through play they have less need to do so in ‘real life.’ While you find his play disturbing it actually is helpful to your long term goal of raising a peaceful, non-violent young man.

In a typical case a family sought my help because their 4-year-old son was very aggressive. When taken to a playground the child would walk over and hit another child on the heard, apparently without any provocation. Nothing the parents had tried, reasoning, scolding, times outs, had been effective. They were embarrassed by the behavior and worried about their son’s future. I asked the parents to play with their son in my office while I observed. The parents were warm, loving and engaged with their son, but whenever his play veered to symbolic violence they steered the play in another direction. Within a few minutes I understood the crux of the problem. The boy was being thwarted in his attempts to act out his aggression symbolically so he was doing it physically. I worked with the parents and taught them to respond to the child’s play in a supportive, non-judgmental manor. As the child was able to communicate about his feelings with his parents through play and receive a loving, non-judgmental response, the aggressive behavior disappeared.

Like many parents, you seem more comfortable with sword play than guns. Of course real swords are much less dangerous than real guns, and we are not experiencing a rash of sword violence in our communities. So pretend sword fights are less likely to trigger a negative responses in adults. On the other hand pretend gun play is much less dangerous than sword play. When children are having pretend gun battles they are standing several feet apart and pointing their fingers at one another. When children are having pretend sword fights they are standing close together pointing long sticks or pieces of plastic at each other. To solve this problem I recommend a foam pool noodle cut in half. This makes two really good swords (or light sabers for SiFi fans). No matter how hard you are hit with a foam noodle it really doesn’t hurt. Other great props for aggressive play are nerf guns that shoot foam ‘bullets’ when squeezed, rolled up socks or cotton balls. These can be aimed and thrown hard at each other without causing injury. Although extended battles often cause a lot of giggling. For children who want to be lords of their own world miniature dinosaurs, wild animals, knights and pirates are great props for acting out aggressive fantasies.

Although your questions was specifically about a boy I want to say that acting out aggressive impulses through play is equally important for girls. Although less likely to become physically violent girls who have trouble managing their aggression may become social bullies. Violent play in girls is often more subtle and may go unnoticed by parents because it does not involve guns and battles. Girls are more likely to spend their time mixing up poisons, protecting themselves and their young from monsters and placing their babysitters in jail, “for the rest of your life.” Even so girls should have access to props for aggressive play. The toy guns and canons in my office get used more frequently and enthusiastically by girls than by boys. Perhaps because they have less access to them outside my office.

I hope that by understanding the need for this play it will become less troublesome for you. If you can respond to your son with empathy and without judgement when he engages in this play it is more likely to stay in the symbolic realm. If ‘bang-bang’ sounds continue to bother you limit them in a way that gives you respite without giving him the message that this play is wrong. ‘No guns in the house.” is an acceptable rule if there are other times and ways to work through this aggression.

Good luck to you and your son. Remember that by playing with toy guns and battles your son is working on the same goal you have, to become an adult in control of, rather than controlled by, his aggressive impulses.

Eight week group begins February 17. Group will meet Wednesday mornings 9:00- 9:45 am . See description under “Workshop and group descriptions” link at right. Cost is $450. Includes intake session, eight child sessions, one parents session and family feedback session. For more information or to enroll your child contact Katrinca (925) 831-1926 or katrinca@familyplaytherapy.com

Eight week group  begins Sept 30. Group will meet Wednesday mornings 9:00- 9:45 am .  See description under “Workshop and group descriptions” link at right.    Cost is $450.  Includes intake session, eight child sessions, one parents session and family feedback session.  For more information or to enroll your child contact Katrinca (925) 831-1926 or katrinca@familyplaytherapy.com

All children tantrum. Some children are better at it than others. Some are very dramatic throwing every ounce of energy they have into the tantrum. Some are excellent at finding the most inconvenient time or most embarrassing place to let lose. Many children are excellent at drawing their parents into the drama, making them feel responsible for the upset and uncertain about how to respond.

All parents respond to tantrumming. Some responses are more useful than others. Some responses tend to reinforce the tantrums, keeping them going longer than necessary and setting the stage for the next one. Other responses are neutral. The best responses help the child understand and learn to manage emotional upset. They may not stop the tantrum in the moment but can they help lead the child toward calmer solutions in the future.

Before I go any farther, I want to state that you cannot judge a parent by a child’s tantrums. Some children are more tightly wound than others; some family situations are more difficult to manage. All families have bad days. So Judge not, not even yourself, based on how loudly, how often, or how publicly a child tantrums.

Why They Do It

Children tantrum for three basic reasons: To communicate, to gain control, and to release emotional energy.

First of all, tantrumming is a way to communicate. Children were infants not all that long ago. How do infants communicate? Through pure emotional response. They cry, they smile, they scream, they giggle. Through these reactions a parent learns how the child is feeling, what she needs, what she likes and dislikes. As they develop into toddlers, children learn gestures and then words to enhance their communication skills. They learn to get across the finer points, “I want my milk in a green cup.” But when stressed, children regress. They lose track of their language skills and fall back into pure emotional expression to let you know how they feel and what they want and need.

The second reason children tantrum is to gain control, to get what they want. This is the best understood reason for tantrumming, and many people assume it is the only reason for children tantrum. Gaining control is a powerful reason for tantrumming and when it works, Wow, what a tool! I can get mom or dad to back down and do things my way just by letting lose.

The third reason children tantrum is to discharge emotional energy. Emotions are physical reactions in the body. We call them feelings because we feel them. We experience a tensing or relaxing of muscles, a sensation of lightness or heaviness. The nervous system readies for action, ready to respond to perceived threat or opportunity. The stronger the feeling, the stronger the need for physical release. Laughing, crying, and tantrumming are all physical releases of emotional energy. Some children tantrum more because they feel things more intensely or they have less control over the magnitude and direction of the physical response.

How to Get Through It

Tantrums are difficult to manage because they play into our own stuff. They make us feel out of control. They trigger all our insecurities as parents (If I were a better parent I would know what to do, my child wouldn’t tantrum). For this reason, parents (I am no exception) sometimes become angry and punitive during tantrums. While this is understandable, it is not usually helpful and often prolongs the tantrum.
The message you want to give your child during a tantrum is this: I am here, I will not desert you. Neither will I be drawn into this drama or allow it to influence my decision-making.

So what to do during a tantrum? Address all three needs. First let the child know s/he has communicated with you. This is not the time to try to get him to use his words. Just let the child know that you see how she or he is feeling and that you know (if you do) what it is s/he wants. Simple statements like this are helpful:

“You’re really sad. You don’t want mommy to go out. You want mommy to stay right here.”

“You are so mad. You want a cookie right now.”

When the main reason for the tantrum is to communicate, a little empathy can go a long way.

Second, let the child know you will not change your mind because of the tantrum. When a child looks headed for a trantrum and it’s his will against yours, you need to make a quick decision. Is this worth going to the mat for? Take a mental survey of all relevant information. What is the child trying to communicate? Does he have a point? Is there room for compromise? If so it’s fine to back peddle, admit your mistake, see if you can work out a solution. Your statement to your child will be something like this:

“You’re right, I did say you could have the green cup next time. I’ll get it for you.”

“I said no chips but I forgot It’s already past your lunch time and we won’t be home for half an hour. I can see you are too hungry to wait.”

There are times when you need to stick to ‘no’ and the child needs to learn that tantrumming will not change the outcome. Do not negotiate, do not explain, do not be drawn into endless rounds of, “Why can’t I?” Just set the limit and hold it. At the same time accept and name the emotion being expressed. Statements like this one are useful:

“You can be as mad as you need to be but the answer is still No.”

“I see how sad you are that we can’t stay longer but we are leaving now.”

Third, accept the need for physical release. Children tantrum because they are having a bad day, or a bad moment in an otherwise fine day, not because you are a bad parent. Reminding yourself of this can help you stay calm and weather the storm. You can go about your business as much as possible in spite of the screaming or you can stop and focus on the child, turning your whole attention to her while she goes through the tantrum. Either way your ability to stay calm can be reassuring to the child and help shorten the duration.

It is sometimes necessary to set limits so the tantrum does not create safety hazards or interfere with other people unduly.

“I see that you are mad but you may not yell at the table. It makes it hard for everyone to eat. You will need to leave the table until you calm down.”

“I know you are mad but there is no screaming in the car. If you can’t calm down I will have to pull over until you stop.”

If you are in a restaurant or movie theater take the child out. There are times and places it is simply not acceptable to carry on.

For some children a time out in another room is helpful to complete the tantrum and return to a calm state. This is especially true if the child is over stimulated. For other children separation during a tantrum causes heightened anxiety and serves to escalate the tantrum. I don’t like to give children the message that they are only acceptable when happy or calm. But if a time out is a useful tool for managing the overwhelm that comes with a tantrum, by all means use it.

Be available for reunion when the tantrum dies down. Depending on the source and the meaning of the tantrum the child may recover quickly and move on or need some reassurance and assistance. Some children like to be wrapped tightly in a blanket and held while they recover. Others just may want a few minutes of quiet, a brief hug or words of comfort.

When the tantrumming becomes chronic

Some tantrumming is inevitable but when it becomes chronic it can take over family life and make everyone miserable. When that happens ask yourself the following questions. Understanding the reason for the tantrums can lead to the solution.

Is my child getting enough sleep? Sleep deprivation makes everything harder. Pain is felt more acutely. Focus is hard to maintain. Even minor problem loom large. If your child is not getting the recommended amount of sleep (12-14 hours for toddlers, 11-13 hours for preschoolers, 10-11 hours for school age children) try adjusting your day and evening routines to lengthen the amount of sleep everyone is getting. That may go a long way toward solving the problem.

Is my child under stress? Starting or changing schools, moving, parental divorce, new siblings, and travel are all very stressful for children. While many of these stressors cannot be avoided, try to avoid piling them on top of one another. Expect some regression. Keep daily routines as routine as possible. Offer extra comfort. Remove the stressors that can be removed. With patience and understanding this too will pass.

Is it time to ask for help? If the tantrumming is more than you can manage, if it goes on for a long time, if you child is able to communicate unhappiness but not much more, or if the tantrumming interferes with your child’s ability to make friends or get along with family, it might be time to seek out professional help. Look for a therapist in your area who specializes in work with young children and families. A competent therapist can help you and your child communicate better and help child and family develop healthier coping strategies.

I’m currently working on a couple of great articles that will be featured here soon… come back to check them out!

If you’d like to attend one of the groups described, please email me to let me know your interest.

by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

Amazon.com Review
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk is an excellent communication tool kit based on a series of workshops developed by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Faber and Mazlish (coauthors of Siblings Without Rivalry) provide a step-by-step approach to improving relationships in your house. The “Reminder” pages, helpful cartoon illustrations, and excellent exercises will improve your ability as a parent to talk and problem-solve with your children. The book can be used alone or in parenting groups, and the solid tools provided are appropriate for kids of all ages.

6:30pm June 3, 2009 email to register now

10:00am June 10, 2009 email to register now

As parents we are pretty clear on the basics of raising physically healthy children, (nutrition, exercise, sleep, hygiene).  But we receive relatively little information about supporting children’s emotional health.  This is unfortunate because emotional health is key to living a stable, happy and successful life.  In the absence of guidance we as parents tend to flip between two positions.  We either discount our children’s emotions or give in to them.  This workshop will help you discover the middle ground, assisting your children to understand and communicate their emotional needs.